Here’s the scenario: You’re driving along, dutifully alert to everything happening in and around your car, when suddenly a car in the lane next to you changes lanes without a turn signal and nearly hits you. God! What an idiot, am I right? Actually, I’m not right. This person is probably not an idiot, at least not any more than you. I hear people complaining about stupid drivers constantly and it always bothers me. Why? Because in all my years on this earth I have yet to drive with somebody who’s not a stupid driver, and I’m including myself on that list. We all drive either too fast or too slow, roll our wheels at stop signs, or just have mental lapses where we do insanely stupid and dangerous things. The difference is that when we do it we dismiss it as not a big deal because it’s not like we do that all the time. It was just a minor infraction on an otherwise solid record. But holy fuck balls, when it’s done to us we become absolutely sure we are dealing with a habitual shitty, inconsiderate driver.

Look, I get it. Driving is stressful enough in and of itself without adding the daily stresses like running or awful music on the radio to it. All I ask is for some perspective on the rhetoric.

Remember that driving is largely a social contract. We all try to be attentive drivers to the best of our ability but we will all lapse on these things. The idea is that when you lose focus and switch lanes without looking, I will be paying attention and not hit you. And on the flip side, when Men Without Hats comes on the 80’s greatest hits station and I’m too busy doing the Safety Dance in my front seat to notice the light just turned red, you’ll notice and not hit me. Sort of a you scratch my back and I’ll not crush you with two tons of steel situation. When two people simultaneously have lapses, accidents happen. Driving is about trusting your fellow citizen, a difficult concept for some. The reality of the situation is that it’s not that hard to get a driver’s license. All you really need is a lack of outstanding warrants and traffic fines, and twelve dollars. If the law was aware of all that shit that you do, driving drunk or tired or angry or any other state that prevents you from paying 100 percent attention to the road at all times, they’d take your license away without a second thought. But they can’t know these things. We can’t expect them to govern these things, it’s just not realistic. That’s why we have social contracts. They work well for everyone.

Here’s the thing that really freaks me out. Road rage. What a weird thing, and a lot of people actually boast of their road rage. Stop that. Sometimes people will lose their cool and start yelling at other drivers while I’m in the passenger seat. Holy shit, keep that craziness to yourself. Don’t put m e in the middle of it. Picture this: You’re walking down Hollywood Boulevard searching for Ozzy’s star so you can affectionately rub your genitals on it, when you pass a bit too close to a homeless man. He starts screaming at you. You get out of there as quickly as you can and later tell your friends about the insane man losing his shit because of something incredibly trivial. You were right too, because yelling at strangers in public is what crazy people do. And I know you think nobody notices when you’re in your car but I’m here to tell you that you look every bit as terrifying and hilarious as that crazy homeless man.

So calm down, accept you suck just as bad as everybody else on the road and for the love of god don’t complain about stupid drivers on Facebook or Twitter or Friendster (kids still use Friendster, right?). Oh, if you’re wondering “I wonder if he’s talking about me?” The answer is yes.

Now if you don’t believe me, for God’s sake, believe Goofy