Julia and Michael are sitting on opposite ends of a couch, each with a glass of wine in their hands.

Michael
And then I said (in a bad Borat voice) Very nice!

Julia
Oh my god. That is so funny.

Michael
(Laughing) Thanks.

Julia
Really, that’s really funny..

Michael
(Still laughing) Thanks. Sometimes crazy thing just happen to me, you know?

Michael scoots a couple inches closer to Julia.

Julia
How ‘bout some more wine there, Chief?

Julia doesn’t wait for him to respond before pouring more wine into his glass. She also takes this time to refill her glass.

Michael
Oh, thanks. Listen, I’m really happy you came over to me at the bar because I was staring at you all night. I don’t mean staring. What I mean is, it wasn’t in a creepy way or anything, I just noticed you a lot. (Takes deep breath.) I just think you’re really hot.

Julia
What, you don’t get approached by girls? I find that hard to believe.

Michael
No, it’s not that. I mean, I do pretty well with the ladies. (Michael scoots a little closer again.) It’s just that girls don’t usually approach guys in my experience.

Julia
Well, then I’m glad I approached you too.

They both drink from their respective glasses. Michael puts his arm around Julia but he’s still a little too far away to pull it off perfectly and he has to fully extend his arm just to get his hand on the back of her neck.

Julia
You don’t do this very much, do you?

Michael
(Fidgeting.) No, it’s not like I never have though. Like I said, I do alright with the ladies, but I guess I’m not Wilt Chamberlain or anything like that.

Julie leans in and they kiss.

Charlie
(offstage) Somebody help me!

Michael
Who the hell’s that?

Charlie enters. He is walking quickly and seems to have blood all over his shirt.

Charlie
You guys, you gotta help me. I was attacked.

Julia
What happened?

Michael
Wait, who is this guy?

Charlie
I’m really sorry to intrude on you guys, but I got a terrible situation here and I could really use some pointers.

Julia
It’s okay, Michael. Charlie’s my neighbor. (To Charlie.) Okay, what happened?

Charlie
Like I said, I was attacked, right? But I fought back.

Julia
And are you okay?

Michael
Is that…blood?

Charlie
So I’m walking home from the bar, and this guy comes at me with a knife. He probably wanted my money, but the joke was on him because, what money? I was ready for him though. When he lunged at me with that knife of his I just grabbed his wrist from behind and turned it around on him. (Charlie acts this out.)

Julia
How were you ready for him?

Charlie
What? Oh I don’t really know I guess. Anyway, he screams out “I’ve been stabbed!” And so I gotta shut him up, you know? So I grabbed a rock and just smashed his skull. (Beat.) He’s dead now.

Michael
Oh god.

Julia
Dead? And you’re sure?

Charlie
Oh yeah, he’s definitely dead. I mean, I haven’t seen that many dead things, mostly squirrels and small animals like that, but this guy was dead.

Julia
Okay, let’s everybody calm down and figure this out.

Michael
What are we figuring out?

Charlie
The weird thing is, I think I kind of enjoyed it. I mean, I’m pretty amped over here.

Michael
Oh shit.

Julia
Okay, why don’t you sit down, Charlie, and try to calm down.

Charlie sits down on the couch next to Michael.

Julia
Did anybody see you?

Charlie
I don’t think so.

Michael
Are you guys insane? Julia, we need to call the cops.

Charlie
(Standing back up) Cops? Are you crazy? I just killed a man, in a fairly brutal fashion I might add. How could I possibly explain this to the fuzz?

Michael
Jesus, this isn’t happening.

Julia
Okay, no cops. Charlie, you can stay here until things die down a little. You can sleep on the couch.

Michael
Stay here? That can’t happen. Look at this guy, he’s clearly unstable.

Julia
I can’t abandon my friend. What kind of person would I be?

Charlie
You won’t even know I’m here, I swear.

Michael
Listen, I’m not staying here with a killer.

Charlie
Dude, you’re starting to really agitate me. (Puts his arm around Michael) Julia’s got plenty of rocks in her backyard.

Michael
Oh shit. I gotta go, Julia.

Michael gets up and runs off stage without looking back. Charlie starts laughing quietly.

Julia
That’s a shame. I really did kind of like him, it’s too bad he got away.

Charlie
Huh? Oh man, Julia it was like we were dancing. (Sits back down on the couch.)

Julia
Well at least now it’s out in the open.

Charlie
Yeah, that’s a good thing, I think. I’m sorry I just barged in on you guys like that. He seemed like a decent dude and all.

Julia
Yeah, he was okay.

Charlie
It’s just that I got tired of seeing you bring all these guys home all the time.

Julia
Well…

Charlie
That’s not to say that you bring a lot of guys home or anything. I’m not saying that at all, please believe me. I mean it’s not like promiscuity is a sin or anything right? I’ve gotten around myself a bit too, so I’m no nun myself.

Julia
I’m starting to think we’re not talking about the same thing here.

Charlie
I guess what I’m trying to tell you is that I just wish those guys were me sometimes.

Julia
Oh god. What about tonight?

Charlie
Look, let’s just start from square one. I don’t want to freak you out or anything but I’ve been in love with you for like two years now. I don’t mean that in a weird way, I just watch your house sometimes.

Julia
Okay, let’s just relax here. We have to get you out of here before the cops come.

Charlie
Why would the cops come? Unless that little prick calls them or something, but I’m pretty sure he’s too scared at this point.

Julia
Well, the body’s going to raise some suspicions, right?

Charlie
Body? There’s no body.

Julia
You didn’t kill anybody.

Charlie
No, of course not. I understand I’m a little unstable but I’m not a psychopath or anything.

Julia
Oh god. What about the blood on your shirt.

Charlie
This? It’s just that fake stuff you get from the Halloween store. I just wanted to scare that guy away so I could finally tell you how I feel.

Julia
Now you’ve got me really pissed off.

Charlie
I’m sorry I lied to you, but I couldn’t figure out any other way.

Julia
The problem is that he got away and now what am I gonna do? I worked hard to get him over here and set everything up. Now I really am back to square one. It’s too bad, I thought you and I could’ve really connected.

Charlie
Now I’m a little confused. What are we talking about?

Julia
I can’t let you leave.

Charlie
I thought I was sleeping on the couch. I mean, I’m perfectly okay with taking things slow.

Julia
God, you’re dumber than the last one, but you’ll have to do. Why don’t I pour you a glass of wine?

Julia sits back down on the couch and pours wine into Michael’s abandoned glass.

Charlie
Yeah, okay. I could use another drink. (Takes a drink and begins to visibly relax.)

Julia
Tell me a joke.