“Alright, I hope you guys are having a great time tonight. Next on stage is a very funny man, performed here a lot, Danny Cerullo.”
Okay, here we go. Grab my drink, no leave it. I’m not Dean Martin. That’s actually kind of funny, maybe I should use it some time.
“And Danny’s wearing an awesome Iron Maiden shirt tonight.”
Smile. She’s joking with me. I wonder if she’d bang me. Shit, I’m on stage, shaking her hand, think of something witty. I’m terrible at this off the cuff shit.
“I figured just in case my set didn’t repel all the ladies in the audience, then my shirt would.”
They’re laughing. That wasn’t bad, wasn’t great.
“Speaking of ladies, a doctor told me recently…” Doctor? What the fuck? Why would I say a doctor? Who in this audience is even going to believe I know a doctor, much less had a conversation with him? …”That lactating women can sometimes shoot milk out of their nipples during an orgasm.” Pause. Let them absorb it. “I call bullshit on that one. Girls can’t have orgasms.” God that joke’s easy. Still, it got a laugh. Good way to break the ice. It’s so dumb though. And seriously what the fuck was that part about talking to a doctor? What, am I trying to lend the stupid orgasm joke an air of credibility?
“Anyway, thanks for coming tonight. Like Amanda said, my name’s Danny.” Nobody cares, get to the funny. “And long before I became the awkward man you see before you tonight, I was an awkward child.” I really don’t need to emphasize awkward so much, they probably get that. “I used to play little league baseball. Anybody here play little league? Blatant pandering. I’m a sell out. “My dad was more into it than I was and I really wasn’t very good. When I got to high school, I clearly wasn’t good enough to make that team. Christ, this is dragging. The punch line isn’t even very funny. “So my dad just kept signing me up for little league.” Pause for laugh. Who am I kidding? “I tell you, I might not have been able to outhit the little shits, but I sure as hell could out drink ‘em.” Hand on forehead, look miserable. That’s not very hard. “God, there’s nothing worse than being struck out by a ten year old. Except when you cry when he hits you with the pitch.” Okay, my awkwardness has drawn them in. If I’m pitiful enough, I become endearing. Story time. “Little league wasn’t all bad though. I can remember walking up to the batters box. It’s a beautiful day outside, my team’s winning and the poetry of the game is in full swing. The sense of camaraderie is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I strike out, but it’s okay, who cares, everything’s perfect. I smile, turn around and head back to my dugout. I see my father standing behind the backstop. He says: Shout the line. Make it powerful. “Stop smiling you just struck out!” Ah, they’re laughing good now. Nothing like mean fathers for comedy. “I should point out that my father wasn’t hard on me because he thought with more effort I could be a great baseball player, or that it would build character and teach me valuable life lessons. He just didn’t love me.” God, I’m a bad son. My poor father works his ass off every day so I can have a decent childhood and I shit on the guy in front of a crowd of drunks. Oh well, it got a good laugh I guess. He’ll understand.
“I was reading an almanac the other day.” An almanac? I’ve never read a fucking Almanac in my life. I’m not really even sure what an Almanac is. “And I learned that sea otters are the only animals, other than humans, that can contract genital herpes. Which made me sad, you know?” Here comes the world’s easiest punch line. “I’m not fucking any more of those.” God that joke sucks. It’s seriously the stupidest joke ever written. Aaron wrote it though, and he’s dead so that makes me a good person for keeping his joke alive. Shit, I think Josh wrote it. If I’m up here telling jokes Josh wrote I need to rethink my entire life, much less my set.
Alright, here’s my big closer, don’t blow it. “Believe it or not, sometimes I get a little lonely.” Not sure if I should be happy or depressed at how big a laugh that got. “So the other day I called a phone sex line, which right off the bat is a terrible idea because I’m not much of a talker during sex. The worst part is, these girls always ask ‘What do you want me to do to you?’ And the thing is, maybe I’m just not imaginative or maybe I’m just vanilla, but I don’t need anything special. Whatever it is you normally do, I’m sure it will be fine. So then she asks me what I’m wearing.
‘Sweatpants and an old T-shirt,’ I say.
‘Ooh, did you just get done working out?’
‘No, I just woke up.’
‘It’s three o’clock in the afternoon.’
‘Yeah well, I had a long night.’
‘And what were you doing? Something hot, I bet.’
‘Totally. Hall and Oates reunion concert.’ I’m probably the only comic working right now that would drop a Hall and Oates reference in a joke. I might suck, but at least I’m original. “After a few minutes of extremely awkward phone sex, I think she just started to feel bad for me.” Much as you people seem to. “Because she started giving me life advice.” Now it’s time to dial it up. Breathe heavily, do my sexy-phone sex-girl voice. They’ll never see it coming from a guy like me. “Oh baby, maybe you should take that big old cock of yours and go back to college.” Now that’s a genuine laugh. I believe I even heard somebody shriek. “And maybe you can show what a big sexy man you are and stop blaming all your life’s problems on your mother.” That would probably be a lot funnier if I was Jewish. Every Jewish comic has serious mom issues. But hey, maybe they think I’m Jewish. Maybe I should change my name to Danny Cerulberg. “I started to feel really close to this woman. She told me that this wasn’t her real job, that she was really an actress. Me being an aspiring comedian, we shared a good laugh over the irony.” Here it comes, milk it. “And then I came all over myself.” Pause again. They’re loving it. They find my shame, loneliness and humiliation hilarious. I’m a genius! “The whole thing cost me eighty-seven dollars. Thank you, you’ve been a great audience.” Wave once, walk off stage. Shake Amanda’s hand on the way down. I hope somebody buys me a drink, I’m broke.